So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Boobs are out for the taking
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
