fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
