The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
