You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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