Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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