I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
