I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
