Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
