Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
