There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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