I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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