hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
