Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
