Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
