I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
