At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So here I am, sexting at work.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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