Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
