What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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