HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
