I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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