Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
