He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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