He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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