i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
