im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
