jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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