my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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