Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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