I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
