I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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