On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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