EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
