I'm gonna have a badass scar
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
