Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
