Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
