We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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