would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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