The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
