you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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