Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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