My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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