My liver just broke up with me...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
