i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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