In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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