this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
