Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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