Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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