she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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