In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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