dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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