thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
